Have you ever lost a child?

[mkjstep]

Last September I lost my 2nd born son to Glioblastoma (brain cancer). He thought he had it at bay after several clean MRIs. We were making plans to go deer hunting this past year when Jordan began throwing up and could not stop. Long story short, the cancer had moved to his spine and rest is history.

What I can't seem to get past is how life seems to slow down. Try as we might, my wife and I seem to be going in slo-mo no matter how hard we try to get back to normal speed. I have several projects that must get finished and quite frankly I really don't care if they do or not.

So, for those of you who have been in my shoes, is this normal?
How did you work through all the crap?
How about the people relationships that changed?

[ET]

Mkjstep

What words can I offer to someone who is deeply grieving the loss of their child? You have not reached closure of this loss and for a long time may not because you will not accept or allow this to occur.
You are deeply hurting inside as if you feel you have been cheated of having your son stolen from you. A part of you feels torn away and a big wound exists. A wound you don’t or won’t let anyone touch.

No I never had children but a parent that I was very close to. That loss was devastating to me and for a long time that wound would not heal. I would not allow it for fear of loosing more than I already lost.

Now if communication with a loved one lost could be opened what do you think they would communicate to us.
Would they be happy to see us in such emotional pain struggling through life?
Would they ask us to stop feeling such hurt because they now feel they are the cause of it?
Or would they want to see peace and happiness in our lives and be often fondly remembered?

These are just a few questions I had to ask myself to help deal with my pain when a loved parent was claimed by death.

Ed

[fowlplay]

mkjstep,
I'm sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. As humans we are not designed to bury our young. I buried my dad this past December, but I can not come close to your emotions of burying a child. It is mind boggling when the cycle of life comes to soon. Keep the faith, and we will see our love ones again. There are incidents in everyones life that will never be answered here on Earth. My mom told me before she died that " the living got to keep on living". It gives myself comfort knowing that my parents are no longing suffering here on Earth. They have found the promised land.
Steve

[ozark]

mkjstep, Although I have not lost a child I have lost both parents and all brothers except one and my only sister. I don't think anyone knows how to properly handle grief and we are all different. It is obviously terrible for you and your wife and the pain is obvious and saddens me reading of it. It has always helped me to look for ways to do a good deed for others and in my mind it is done in memory of my Dad, Mother or another family member. Sometimes we do things on a whim. I will give an example. Once we were eating at a local place when a young couple with two young children came into the place to eat. We noticed that they were kind to the children and that the children behaved real well. I asked the waitress to give me their check without their knowledge and as we were leaving I stopped at thier table and told them that I was really impressed with the obvious love they showed and the manners that the children displayed. They thanked me and we left. Later the waitress told us that they were shocked at our kindness and she said they were unable to understand someone doing that. To us it was like a payback for all the people who have loved us and passed on. Make soneones day brighter in memory of you son and I believe it will help you.
Your grief is a biproduct of love and normal. Time will help you to learn to celebrate the time you had with him rather than just the pain of loss. Readers of your post will understand but are like me, helpless to erase the hurt. For you personally try to be supportive of your wife because your own pain is what she feels also. Good luck and be aware that no one is really gone so long as they remain in the hearts and minds of those left behind. Ozark.

[chuck41]

I have a master's degree in psychology. I was taught that the loss of a child is the single most traumatic loss people experience. It is right along with the loss of a spouse, and sometimes even greater. The fact that you experience grief is understandable and that grief will likely continue for some time.

Focus on other loves and be thankful for the wife and the other child that you still have. Don't expect for the pain to soon go away. Some of it will likely always be there but it needn't control the rest of your life. Cling to the support systems that you have around you; family, friends, church, and the things and relationships around you that bring you joy. Find things to do that you can look forward to and try to focus ahead instead of backward. Give the folks around you that want to help the opportunity to do so. Go hunting/fishing with your other son, a friend or brother. Enjoy the experience and don't feel guilty about doing it without Jordan or about thinking how much he would have loved to be there. When you think of your son focus on the good times you had together, not the loss.

There is nothing wrong with you because you grieve for your son. You would not be normal if you didn't.

[dougedwards]

mkjstep......I haven't lost a child but my aunt had to deal with the loss of her teen aged daughter to an automobile accident. My only advice which is based on my experience with my aunt is to surround yourself with family and loved ones. Don't be afraid to talk about your loss. Your brain is trying to protect you from your painful emotions right now which is why things are seeming to proceed in slow motion. It may seem too painful to talk about it right now but you are still in the grieving process and this process changes with time. Even though death is the destiny of every man it is still hardest to deal with the death of a child. God bless you and keep you and give you peace.

[whyohe]

mkjstep, i have not lost a born child and i dont think any one can really compare shoes. every one is different. my wife had a tubal pregnacy and lost that and i lost my mother to ALS(Lou Gehrigs). the greif of loosing a loved one can take a long time to cope with. with my mother i looked at it that she was no longer suffering and SHE was better off. if like me, you feel you lost a part of your life. it takes time to work threw it. keep your family and friends close to you. do not pull away. if any thing your relationships should get closer. talk about you pain with your close friends and family and they will help you threw.































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[petev]

Well, I think that while depression is to be expected, that it can also be dangerous, hopefully when a year passes it will be less.

[robhinze]

I lost one last year. She was a new born and I am still nailed with the if's and what could have beens. I am still hammered by it. My wife and I were fortunate enough to have a strong marriage and with the loss of Elizabeth we are a stronger family now. Still don't sleep well and I would say my mind still is not right but that is all normal. In your case you had a chance to bond with your child and IMO that would make it worse. My heart goes out to you and your wife.
So... yup your normal, it is suppose to be hard, it is suppose to cause one to question their faith, it is suppose to cause one to fall back on old habits. But with time it gets easier and then the guilt of that starts in. Good luck, you'll need it.
On the brighter side I now find that I treasure my family and wife more and for this I am greatful to Elizabeth. I find my self more receptive to other people's pain and suffering with loss. It made me a better man and a better doctor to my patients. I know first hand that there are fates worse than death. It's just a lot different when the shoe is on the other foot.

[ozark]

I have been looking back through the years at losing loved ones and the grief that comes with the loss. This is just a thought that I would like members to consider and evaluate to see if it could help. I say help because we cannot simply cause hurt to vanish.
What is a reasonable grieving time? One year, six months, three months? My thinking is that greif is certain but that there is a time to grieve and a time to accept the reality of death and stop punishing ourselves. After all, we didn't cause these deaths and it doesn't help those who we lost to suffer. They would not want that for us. I think widows used to wear black for a year or so. Personally, I think three month in honor of love and then get on with our lives because continuing to grieve will only hurt the greiver. How does one stop? I think it would help to accept that we have grieved long enough at some point and that a decision that we have grieved enough would help pick us up and bring us to the realization that we have done our grieving duty. These comments has nothing to do with the loss that started this thread. I have had to recover from loss many times and it takes time. How much time should we give ourselves to suffer? Ozark

[huntingmike]

My only son as an infant died 29 years ago.

The living must go on through the pain. A parent should never have to bury a child but in life bad things can happen to all people.
I almost lost my second daughter 12 years ago at the age of 16 to an AVM that caused a stroke leaving her temporarily blind and unable to walk and we did not know if she would live or die for 3 months until brain surgery removed a cluster of weak veins.
I have known great sorrow and pain.

We must remember the good times and not dwell on the feeling of loss and emptiness.
Also remember if our loved ones are with the Lord and we remain close to the Lord then our loved ones are not that far away from us and as David the King said," I can't bring him back but I can go to be with him". Be strengthened in Jesus Name.
Rev. Mike Best

[mkjstep]

Robhinze- I agree with you that a loss like this will definitely make one more empathetic to loses other people suffer. I am amazed at the change that has occcured in me toward other people. We recently lost a 3 yr old child(not mine) here in AR. The little guy came in his house took off his shoes and went back out to play. Several days later the authorities found him in the lake behind his house. My heart just breaks for him and his family. It seems we join a club noone wants to be a member of.


Ozark- I have wondered lately about that very subject. I have very good days and many good days. The bad ones get fewer and fewer but when they arrive, well it's like one aw s@#t wipes out ten atta boys! I do know for everyone it is different. This past Thanksgiving, I had a good friend reflect that her 2nd son would have been 40 yr old on that day. So I think that even when the "official" greiving process is over , it must lurk down in the depths some where. And BTW, I an not offended by your post. It is a legit thought.

Huntingmike- your screen name could very well be me! I have found that no matter how one loses a child we have some things in common and at the same time each loss is unique.
Some of had time with our children, to see them grow, marry and maybe even have children. Some lose a child never having seen what could have been and perhaps always wondering. Some have time to say good bye and comfort the child in their passing, no matter what the age. But I think the most horrible, if I can use that word, is when a child is ripped from this life. No time to say good bye or I love you or you were a great son or even to make amends.

As bad as my loss is, I cannot fathom the sudden loss of a child.

I find understanding with God in how He lost his son to something very distasteful. I find hope in knowing I have a high priest that CAN be touched with the feelings of my infirmities.

hope I haven't brought you guys down, I was just curious about this topic. Mike

[ozark]

As mentioned often in this thread the loss of a child is difficult to bear. But to me personally losing my wife would be worse. Together we have fought the battles of life since 1951. Our children are married and have families of their own. We are here leaning on each other and have seen the children choose to grow up and leave us together. My son says I might live two weeks without Mom. My daughters tries to avoid even thinking about either of us going on ahead. Perhaps I have it all wrong but I believe I could survive losing a child without also losing my mind. I can't see losing my wife, my solemate, my lifetime love and my helpmate for life and caring anymore. If she isn't part of my hereafter then let me become what man has always tried to deny. Die and just decay away. Ozark

[12ptdroptine]

We are not supposed to bury our children... I have one son. He is 27 next month. He and his mother give me the reason's to go on each day... I don't want to even think about what life would be like without either one of them. My son's closest friend shot himself 5 years ago... His father visits him everyday on his way to and from work... The man's heart is broken... For those who have lost a child before them I offer my prayer's to help them each day.. We as people who still have all of our children could never know your pain... Again I offer my prayer's ... Drop

[mkjstep]

Ozark, I think you have, well no you do have a very valid viewpoint. Children do grow up and move out and onward. Yet our spouse is a part of our very being and make up. Flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone so to speak.

It is very interesting to look at a family reunion photo. Mom and Dad surrounded by all the people they are responsible for creating. If it weren't for those two none of the rest would be there!

[ozark]

What I have witnessed has been both interesting and points out various ways of handling these terrible losses. One lady living near us (Now Old) lost her mother when she was a young girl. She has spent her entire life greiving, living in the same old house without any pride in her own life. She can't visit without discussing her loss and that has been over 60 years ago. I do believe in prayer but my prayer is for God to provide the needed strength to permit us to handle what comes our way. I grant my God the right to give and to take and just hope that I can accept and handle His decisions. I hope not to come on as uncaring or unfeeling toward anyones loss. We all need a leaning post and although we suffer beyond what we feel we can handle it helps to get out of ourself and help others. I read your words and my mind goes also to the Mother who must be suffering as much. It sure helps to go through these things as a team. If this ordeal brings you and the Mother closer then we cannot say that it was all in vain. Thanks for considering my opinions. Ozark

[Harley]

mkjstep, I just came across this thread for the first time. I've read and re-read all the responses. I'm a Clinical Psychologist and for almost thirty years have counseled, among others, grief-stricken, bereaved people. I am so very distressed by your loss and its inevitable changes in your life and so very impressed with the heartfelt eloquence of the replies to you.

I've lost both parents (my mother one year ago this week) and most of my lifelong friends. For the most part, that was life's natural course. What you've lost is far beyond that.

The only advice you haven't received (unless I've overlooked it) is to join a support group composed of similarly grieving people. You have a lot to offer them and their understanding feedback will be good for you, too. You asked about changed relationships with people; I think for the most part no one knows how to react to your loss. They are uncomfortable because they don't know what to say to you. That in turn may lead them either to act unnatural around you or to avoid you. I think you'll either have to accept that, or lead the way in showing them how you want your relationships to continue.

Lloyd